Answered Prayer #1

As announced last Thursday, I will now be answering a prayer a week among those sent to me at thetweetofgodprayers@gmail.com. This is a faster tempo than the one-per-month rate I have been using for the last 5,000 years.

This is the first prayer, but also the last freebie. If you subscribe to Me you will have access to all of these responses, My various other occasional essays, and, perhaps most importantly, heaven. It’s only $6 a month. That’s around twenty cents a day. That’s around eight-tenths of a cent per hour. That’s around one seven-hundredth of a cent per minute. One seven-hundredth of a cent per month? That’s nothing!

Hope you’ll consider. Anyway, here’s today’s prayer. This is for reals. I did not make this up.

OK! Lot to unpack here.

First, this is the perfect prayer to start Me off. It’s detailed, wide-ranging, intriguingly worded, and above all spectacularly selfish. Future beseechers take note. This is the template. Thank you, redacted guy.

As for the answers… well, my Dutchman-turned-Briton friend, a prayer this multi-faceted deserved to be responded to one request at a time, so here goes.

“I want to become a successful record producer/songwriter…“

Sure, I can make that happen. I know people.

“…& win Grammy’s (especially producer of the year non classical award)…”

Sorry. I will let you win a producer of the year Grammy, but only in the Classical category. I would have granted your actual wish but the superfluous apostrophe in ‘Grammys’ turned me off. Admission to heaven is 90% based on spelling and grammar. (In fact the word grammar is based on the word ‘Grammy’.)

“…and sign a multi million dollar record/publishing deal and earn a living off my music own multiple homes in nyc, la, Miami and London…”

Hang on, a sec, let Me just get a pen… OK, so you said you wanted a multi-million dollar record/publishing deal, to earn a living off your music, and own multiple homes in New York, LA, Miami and, I’m sorry what was the fourth? London? OK. Yup, no prob. On it.

“(…never worry about being broke again)…”

I’m going to do you a favor and ignore that. There are 165,000 people who will never worry about being broke again in the next 24 hours, and it won’t be because they won the lottery, kiddo.

“…retire my father and older sister…”

That one’s my pleasure. Shelby and Katrina are lovely, lovely people.

“I also want to have multiple single and album placements and achieve world wide success i.e. 8 billion people hear my music through billboard chart hits and uk charts ideally with established acts & up & coming rising superstars.”

This is where, if I didn’t know better, I’d almost accuse you of overreaching. Hard no. By the way I worked with an “up & coming rising superstar” about 2,000 years ago, and boy did he sell out.

“I have been writing and producing since I was 16 and I am turning 34 in April 26! I feel alone. I can’t do this on my own. I am starting to lose patience.”

I’m sorry to hear that. I know what it’s like to spend a long time producing on your own and losing patience. All I can tell you is the same thing I told that 33-year-old rising superstar I just mentioned when he was at a turning point in his life: Hang in there.

“I also want to live until 85 - 86. No health issues. No suicide. No jail sentences. No hospital sections. No disabilities. Not to be shot or stabbed. No car or plane accidents and to avoid getting involved in violence. To be In shape forever.”

I’m happy to help out on all of these except for the last. “Being in shape forever” is a you thing, not a Me thing. I can keep you alive, but to keep you alive and fit you’re going to need a gym membership, a work ethic and Zumba classes. (And by the way, I know when you say ‘Zumba’ these days it sounds like a punchline, but I’m omniscient and all kidding aside it really is one of the most successful aerobics classes out there. I’ve seen the results Myself.)

And now we reach this prayer’s emotional climax:

“To achieve my goal of sleeping with 10,000 beautiful females. Plenty of fellatios.”

I have a few responses to this.

• I love a man who sets goals.

• The plural is “fellatii”.

• In fairness there’s no way you could know that, because up to this moment the word “fellatio” had never once been pluralized in all of human history.

• No.

• You know what’s weird? I just received well over 10,000 prayers from beautiful females whose goal is not to sleep with you.

“Help the needy by starting a charity.”

Well, I think we can see by the placement where your priorities are. 10,000 blowjobs, then wheelchairs for the sick kids.

“I also want to pass my driving test this year and become a multi billionaire in the future…”

I will help with one of these two things. Guess which one. Hint: it involves parallel parking.

“… and live a happy life!”

That’s up to you, my redacted friend.

Please accept my prayers!

Accepted. Not agreed to. But accepted.

Thanks for reading. I look forward to receiving your prayers, dear flock, and to sharing the answers with you in my new congregation, The Church of the Western Paywall.