Fuck It.

To repeat, fuck it.

I am a comedy writer by instinct and training. I’m hardly the only person with a similar job. I am the only one, however, who is me, and thus ultimately the only one I care about.

I’ve done many different things over the course of my career, but I’m probably best known as the writer behind TheTweetOfGod, a Twitter account that delivered one-, and when necessary two-, liners as God — Old Testament Jehovah, to be precise. At its pre-Musk peak the account had over 6.2 million followers, more than the Ukrainian Greek and Christian Methodist Episcopal Churches combined. It was at one time the largest unverified account on Twitter, much as God is the largest unverified entity in the universe. (It’s still up, but these days God’s true home is naturally enough in BlueSky, where He’s known as TheSkeetOfGod. The account is pretty much starting from nothing; again, just like Him.)

But joining Substack and turning 132 have awakened in me the desire to toss away the mask of God, pace Joseph Campbell, and use this forum the way everyone else does, as a place to express myself, whether it be in the form of short comedy pieces — I’ve already written a lot, check them out, they’re really funny, especially the trivia ones — or longer, more first-person pieces, of which this is proof of concept. So I have changed the name of this account from TheTweetOfGod to DJJaverbaum. There’s a three-word quote by Nietzsche you can insert here.

Fuck it. You only live once. At most.

This manifesto is far less impressive than other manifestoes, like those written by Karl Marx and school shooters. But for me, it’s very cathartic. And I’ve got much more to cathart. From now on, I will celebrate myself, and sing myself, and what I assume you shall assume, for every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you, and if you don’t like it you can suck my dick.

What effect this will have on my subscriber count depends on whether you like me for me or my Goddy. I don’t know. What I do know is that if you subscribe, and you’re wondering whether to sign on free or paid, you should remember my industry is dead, I have no other marketable skills, and my nine precious children have been reduced to eating leather shoes, most from lower-quality shoe stores.

I look forward to working at you.

DJ Javerbaum