@THETWEETOFGOD RETURNS!
Only this time... it's impersonal.
I am the Lord thy God, King of the Universe. Some of you may remember Me from such previous iterations as @TheTweetOfGod on Twitter, where I accumulated over six million followers before it was struck by a giant MuskMelon. Others may know Me from My previous books, The Last Testament: A Memoir by God, The Book of Pslams: 97 Divine Diatribes on Humanity's Total Failure, or even My light comic foray into spiritual farce, The Book of Mormon.
For nearly a year My amanuensis has been writing under his own name about topics both big and stupid and small and stupid. Whatever readership he may have gained for his work does not compare to the five billion I’ve gained for Mine. Sorry, DJ. Verily thou hast screwed the pooch. This ends now. I want My pulpit back.
This Substack is now, as it should have never not been, @TheTweetOfGod, and will be exclusively devoted to My commentary on you, the creatures I made in My image who nonetheless do not exactly improve My image. And this time I have a special project in mind. And I need YOU to take part, because if you don’t, I’ll have no one to ignore.
HOW IT WORKS
Here’s the plan: I’m writing another book, and you’re going to help Me write it. It’s called The Book of Common Prayers, and the concept is simple. Every week, I will answer one prayer submitted by a subscriber. The prayer can be:
An actual supplication (seeking guidance, asking for something, beseeching Me for help with your odious whingeings)
A theological question (”Why do I allow suffering?” “What happens after death?” “Did you make Melania’s face out of polymer?”)
A complaint about creation (NOTE: I cannot be held responsible if these prayers lead to your instantaneous atomization.)
An absurd observation (”Why do hot dogs come in packs of 10 but buns in packs of eight?” There’s an answer, by the way: Hot dogs and buns are meant to be consumed in units of 40.)
A hot bit of God ‘dish’ you’d like to know (”What do I do all day?”) (”Is it true you never close a door without opening a window?”) (”Do you like watching me masturbate?”)
The prayers I select will be the ones that genuinely interest Me, spark something, or seem representative of larger human concerns. Or sometimes just the ones that make Me laugh. I contain multitudes, and also whims. (I will also include “honorable mentions”, but don’t let the name fool you—there is no honor in losing.)
Starting February 14th, I will publish one answered prayer every Friday, with my responses being as long as I deem appropriate, much like your lives. These responses will form the 52 chapters of a book that I will compile, one that you will have already read, although you damn well better buy a new copy anyway.
Send your prayers to: thetweetofgodprayers@gmail.com. Keep them under 100 words. Include whether you’d like your name and location used (”From Patricia in Denver”) or prefer to remain anonymous (”a sinful harlot a mile above sea level”). I reserve the right to edit for clarity, length, and grammar. And be assured that I WILL NOT BE USING AI TO ASSIST ME IN ANY WAY, except for sometimes writing the response.
TITHINGS
This is a paid publication. It costs $7/month or $60/year. It’s embarrassing how cheap that is. Frankly it’s a reflection of the horrible standing I have with you these days. But if I charge more I’d need to make the world a better place, and it’s just not worth it.
But for those who want to go further, I’m offering a Founding Member tier at $100/year. Founding members get everything regular subscribers get, plus your name in the acknowledgments when the book is published. The Old Testament worked the same way. Remember those long sequences in Genesis, “And Aram begat Aminadab, and Aminadab begat Naasson, and Naasson begat Booz of Rachab...”, etc.? Those were all people paying extra to get their name in. And now they’re immortal! Seems worth handing over a Benji to Me, but what do I know? Oh, right: EVERYTHING.
Looking forward to leaving you spiritually unsatisfied.
—God, as written at DJ Javerbaum.
A note for My existing paid subscribers: You're already in. You'll continue to receive everything at your current rate. Consider yourselves grandfathered into My divine plan, lucky you.
Send prayers to: thetweetofgodprayers@gmail.com
First prayer answered: Friday, February 14, 2025 (free for all subscribers)
After that, paid subscribers only.